I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
