my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize