3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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