A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
