If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
