afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
