god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
