I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
