My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
