Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
