PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
