Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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