when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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