Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
