U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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