The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
