he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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