sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The best revenge is premature balding
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
