i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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