I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
there is glitter all over my balls
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
