Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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