Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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