I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
