i just had sex bonerless
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
