I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize