Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
