I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
