They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
false alarm, still single
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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