i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize