You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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