remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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