And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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