when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
