Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
