I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
