Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
