Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
