The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
