How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
