I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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