Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
