Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
