just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
