uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i was born a porn star she said
we made out on top of his cat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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