My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
