I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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