I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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