She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
