The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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