I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
