i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I wish there were birth control emojis
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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