I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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