i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize