Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
