i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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